so yeah...

i woke up this morning and guess what. My mother wasn't here. I was so damn happy. She works as a PSW, and usually gets work early in the morning, so I don't see her during the week. Yep. So y'all probably have no idea, why I totally dislike my parentals, but here's the thing. I watch Maury Provich, and I se all these kids freaking out and stuff. Talking down to their mama and shit. And OKay so I have had my moments to, but those kids are so disrespectful. If I ever talked to my mama like that I would get the beat down of a lifetime, and then kicked out of my house. But, I've slowly started to realize this more and more, though I knew it all my life, that my mother and I will never see eye to eye. I don't know what it is, because she looks like a wonderful human being. Really, but I'm starting to see that, she and I can no longer be living the same life. Because that's exactly what we are doing. She is steering the wheel of my life, and despite how unhappy I am I can't stop her. And up until now, we at least had the same goals. But now, I am 21. I'm 21 and the most adventurous thing I've done, was just 3 weeks ago, when I went to new york for 8 hours without her ever knowing. But this all has to stop, because she is sinking me more and more into troubles that I can't get myself out of. But she came back from work, with me standing over the dishes, and she went into a huge explosion, over the fact that they weren't already clean. I mean COME ON Woman!!!!

anywho, this is how my mother is. She really doesn't understand the phrase' best of my ability' she thinks if she can do it, then you should do it. That's just how it is. But now I am sinking into debt. I haven't applied for OSAP, which is the university loan system, and the deadline passed, because I was told by my mother, that she would cough up minimum so I could at least be registered. But she didn't. Of course she didn't. I mean why would she.

But this is my current situation:

I am 4000 dollars in debt with my university.
I am 2500 dollars in debt with Visa. (Visa I am so sorry)
I haven't a single textbook, or lab coat or clicker, or goggles for university.
I just quit my job at wonderland. I COULDN'T COMMUTE THERE FROM CHINA.
And I haven't got another. And I don't even want to think about where I am going to get money for any of this. All I know is that my mother would never be a source. I would personally become a mute of ever I did this.
I am stuck in house with a psychomaniacal mother, who surely has her own issues, and a father so terrified of my mother that he agrees with her but then tells me that he really doesn't but is afraid she'll kick him out. A younger sister who, in all honesty, if she wasn't my own flesh and blood, I would've beat her till I heard crushing bone. And an even younger sister, who is sweet (although she has her moments) is always there for me no matter what. I've discovered this.

Now this is what I have to work with. That and a dream that I no longer have to answer to my mother. But I do. And I will someday break free of that. But it all depends on how much quicker I discover my calling, and reach sucess, good enough that I can leave her, without her thinking that I don't want to be near her. I want her to see me leave because I have to, because there's no other way, that I have a much bigger life on my plate, perhaps even a career, or a relationship, or something grandiose, I can't see anything right now, but even if I have to make hamburgers for the rest of my life, I want to be the best hamburger flipper there ever was.

Ameen.

And dow do I know this?

BECAUSE HANAAN IS THE MAN!